I’ve had a lot of time to reflect, to do a lot of shadow work and go into myself and face my demons, it’s painful, it’s dark and its gruesome. One thing that comes up with me is this sense of total powerlessness. I am 38 and made my transition from childhood to manhood in the 90’s. I remember going to New York, as a 19 year old. I was studying for my degree in fine art at Liverpool University and it was almost mandatory that all first years went on the famous “new York” trip. All I remember is being like a bunny rabbit caught in the headlights of an oncoming car unable to move. I had always thought of Liverpool as an overgrown urban shit tip but being confronted by New York was like the famed frog who after declaring his hole to be the whole universe found his head exploding upon leaving his home. Each city block was as big as the whole of Liverpool. I walked down city block after city block starring upwards with my mouth open, dumbfounded at the size and scale of that monstrous city.
The trip was to look at art. I did. It was then that I realized that for every artist who made it into one of the big galleries there were 1,000,000, that didn’t, for every artist that made it into a middle sized gallery there were 999,800 who didn’t, for every artist who made it into a small gallery, there were 999,500 who didn’t and for every artist who made a living selling in gift shops there were 999,000 who didn’t. I was crushed by this revelation. And this theme covered all trades, all routes upwards. And this chicken factory mentality showed in most of the shitty art I did see.
The sheer size of that city brought home just how immeasurably vast human society was. And that was just one city. We had taken over the world. Everything had been done a million times already. This was 1998 everything was a little bit grubbier and less connected by the internet and telecommunications, but basically everything was the same. It’s been 20 years since then and all we have done is continue to expand our population and consumption of raw materials growing exponentially.
Anyway it was around this time I developed this sense of helplessness, pointlessness, a sense that the “good” fight was over. Everyone I met, the hordes around me were and still are driven by greed and selfish motives. It’s a circus. A human Zoo. A Joke. I still don’t know what to do. I looked around New York, and London and Amsterdam and Paris and Rome and many, many other places, and I never saw one game that I might like to get involved with. Everything, every job I went for, every relationship I started, everything I saw around me was corrupted, the bottom line always being unfair gain at the expense of some poor sod.
Every day that goes by we sink deeper and deeper into this unrelenting materialism. We haven’t reached the turning point yet, but we must. For the past 7 years I have had this sense that it just can’t carry on. I think everyone has it subconsciously. Everyone is waiting for some kind of explosion, a global currency crash, run out of oil, third world war, a meteorite, even fucking Aliens arriving and wiping us out! Anything but this continued madness, this insanity of consumerism and materialism. Please God it cannot go on. It must stop. Surely this Saturnian psychosis must come to an end soon!
Some of us have been forced, mentally pushed and beaten into spirituality, desperately- desperately trying to find meaning in such an insane world. Some kind of escape! But those of us who have benefited, who have studied year after year, done the shadow work, tore our souls apart and found a truth beyond the veil of materiality are in the very few, the very few and we are surrounded by robots and reptiles. Human sized Tyrannosaurus Rexes stand beside plastic synthetic robots on the train station. Prozac Zombies march down streets and sit in taxi cabs starring at little boxes. And thousands upon thousands of us who try to lift the veil go insane, drink ourselves to death, inject ourselves to death, oxycontinizing, tramadolizing, valiumizing ourselves into oblivion or worse die a defeated pitiful death inside and become silent slaves pretending to be a T Rex or a Robot but imitating the zombies a hell of a lot better.
What a zoo! What a circus! What a Joke!
If you are fighting this outdated insane system but feel like you aren’t getting anywhere don’t give up. Free your mind from the lies and you will find a way to happiness. The lies that science has figured shit out, the lies that when you die its lights out and oblivion forever, the lies that it’s survival of the fittest, the lies that money and power are everything, the lies that the symbol is more important than the reality it represents.
Pity the rich, pity the ‘powerful’ and pity the famous they are more enslaved and more enmeshed in the thick grimy soil of materialism than anyone. Don’t envy those who are so far gone that they think themselves successful because of money or power. Real success is lifting the veil.